Group Blog

You can check out my weekly post at New Media Matters.

Moldy Man

Sometimes when I can't sleep, I think of him.

I can't help it.

I had a dream he was covered in mold. Like tree man. I awoke in the middle of the night, disturbed, my heartbeat elevated.

The next night, I couldn't sleep. So I checked the email where only he emails me. He had sent, "happy belated new year ! i hope its a good one for you."

We hadn't talked since Christmas Eve...he blocked me from facebook Christmas day and that was enough of a Christmas present. A week after the New Year, he had thought to send the email...a few days later, I had checked it.

"Old, rotten." That is what my friend said when I told him about the dream. "Defiled," another friend's interpretation. "It's the disease," another friend said.

I wish it were as simple as throwing out moldy bread. I wish I could just go to the store and buy some new sour dough to replace him with to have as toast with my eggs.

I wish when I couldn't sleep, I didn't think about him.

Closing Shop

I'm just writing this post to close out the year.

Blogs are a strange thing...

I used to write when spirit moved me-

Then I found myself writing out of discipline.

I've been taking a break to get back to myself.

I am refraining from saying what I really feel...

which is a pattern I've started.

I want to write for myself again.

I don't think a blog is the place for that.

Best wishes for the New Year.

Passed Smog!

In California, when you own an old car, smog check is the lord looming over you with a certain sort of dread.

So when I had my smog check today and I PASSED, I was more than ecstatic-I went to Trader Joe's and bought champagne to celebrate.

The death of my last Volvo was when I spent over eight hundred dollars and it still didn't pass smog. I retired her to the state and took the check to buy another Volvo-a '93, but this is the year they stopped making the 240, the only car I've owned since college...so I don't know what I am going to do when this car doesn't pass smog because they just don't make Volvos like they used to. I am so old saying that.

But I have at least two more years. Hooray!

I called chemo to tell him the good news.

He didn't answer.

He sent me an email and said he was sorry he wasn't home.

There's a certain anxiety in owning an old car. Like the certain anxiety in our cancer ridden relationship.

But there's also relief when you realize there's a little life left in it.

The Day My Sister Died

Fourteen years ago, my sister was killed in a car accident.

I wouldn't find out until the next day.

Go Away

My high school English teacher had a tumor in her chest and it went away completely with radiation. I knew she had cancer, but I didn't know those details. When she visited my best friend's mother who had cancer at the time, she gave her hope that she could beat it and live for her children.

That was over twenty years ago. I am still talking with her today. She asked about his chemo and radiation.

So I wrote him the story in an email.

He wrote, "im glad to hear the tumor went away with rad. if i shoot u with rad will u go completely away??? i hope your friend has a full recovery. once i get better then i guess u can give her 100 % of your healing vibes. its a ruff road so hopefully she can stay positive and hopeful."

He makes me laugh.

I was playing with my friend's iphone tarot card application while she was in the bathroom today. I was dealt the sun card.

I think about the sun radiating its light.

"Here comes the sun, here comes the sun, and I say it's all right."

Feeds

A hand is put out for Gazelle to feed from.