Memo to My Dead Gay Friend

Remember that time in high school when we were lying on the floor in the den—I straddled you with my legs and did the move from Basic Instinct? We laughed so hard it hurt. I thought about that the other day and laughed out loud. You said you never saw me as being sexual until that moment. The ironic thing being, I was totally making fun of that over-the-top Hollywood scene in my over-the-top comedic way with a gay man.

When I called to tell you about my sister, I said, “Well, you won’t have to get the Frappuccino mix, she’s dead.” Today, I wondered if maybe you two are drinking Frappuccinos together and laughing.

I was feeling like there’s no way out of class structure and poverty. So I went to church. The youth group performed “He Lives In You.” I felt God was giving me a gift, a sign, because you put “He Lives In You” by Diana Ross on my mix CD. It was like we were in high school at an assembly. The youth group raised $10,000 selling their CDs for money for education in Ethiopia. It made me cry. I bought their CD. I left with a little more hope and inspiration.

I miss laughing with you.