Whispered Between Women whispered, “What happened to Chemo Guy?”
“I shot him, a black bird killed off with a BB gun,” I stated simply.
But it is not so simple.
I had written a poem for him in Korea called “Blonde Bird.” When I was there, I emailed it to him. I said something about flittering my wings in his mind, trying to land closer to the nest, becoming more than just the bleach blonde bimbo in the distance…that perhaps one day he’d put out his palm for this humming bird to feed on his nectar for longer than the flash of a camera.
So when I went to give him the blonde wax shaped bird candle I had brought back from Korea for him, I thought he would be moved by the symbolism—how he had been in my thoughts like the candle I was lighting for him in my mind every night.
He looked at it and said, “A yellow duck. I don’t get it.”
And I wasn’t surprised. I didn’t even try to explain. I think I said, “The blonde bird poem…oh, nevermind.”
The next day I got the email from him, “i dont understand u. u like being around me but i dont like being around u. dont know how ellse to say it. we are very different people . just leave it at that.”
I thought, “Fuck you. Drop dead.” But I didn’t write that back. Because my friend said he’s going through chemo and he doesn’t know what he’s saying.
But he doesn’t know a blonde bird from a yellow duck.
And that’s why it is easier to kill him off. It makes the death a little less painful.
Frankly, it sounds as though your insight, thoughtfulness, and artistic sensibilities are completely wasted on this fellow.
ReplyDeleteAnd? I can't imagine a writer like yourself being with someone who finds it acceptable to use "u" (lowercase, no less!) as a substitute for "you", especially in an email.
I don't know. I don't know why, but I keep wanting to hear more about chemo boy. That boy loves you or he wouldn't shove you away so hard. I couldn't do what you do with him, so beautifully and gracefully. No way. I don't stand up well to rejection, but everytime you do I am amazed. I think I keep waiting for the day you'll make him crack, and to see what color of bird would hatch from that egg.
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